Mania's Terror

Today I am posting about an adventure that took place back in the early summer of 2000.
Today I look back at this time with a smile, although at the time it caused my family (namely, mother and grandmother) alot a grief.
This is a prime example of how a mental illness can effect family.

Back in 2000 after a heated argument with my mother because I was intentionally missing doctor's appointments and did not really want to seek any type of mental health treatment. I didn't care about the therapists or anything. I didn't even want to be on medication, so I stopped taking it.
My mother knew I was clearly manic, because I have been sleeping less than four hours a night and was always on the go. I also was an egomaniac at the time, in short a total prick.
Out of a my clouded judgement and out of impulse I decided I was going to visit my cousin in California. I guess I was very pissed off at everyone.
I never told anyone about my plans to go to California. I only planned for the trip less than six hours before leaving.
I woke up the following morning around 2:30am, pack up clothes and a few other belongings, and hopped into my 1989 Chevrolet Cavalier.
I had directions that I'd printed from mapquest.com. I had check the oil in my car, although I did change the oil in the car three days prior to my trip.
I hit the open road. California or bust. The trip was very uneventful. Only had a few traffic jams in major cities like Cleveland, Chicago, and Denver.

After about forty-two hours and change I was at my destination. I did not stop except to fuel my vehicle. This is disgusting, but I used a bottle to urinate in so I would not have to stop. I did not sleep the entire time.

When I arrived, it was quite a surprise visit, but more than welcomed. My cousin greeted me with a huge hug and asked me what I was doing there. She had also said it was a great and unexpected surpise, but I was welcomed there anytime.

My cousin unknowingly called my mother(which also her cousin) and my mother was quite distraught because she didn't know where I was.

I explained everything to her and what happened.
My grandmother(this is her niece) was on the verge of another heart attack because I basically worried her to death.

After it was all said and done my mom and grandmother breathed a huge sigh of relief. They knew I was safe and was in a safe place where I would not harm myself or someone else.
My cousin's daughter is a R.N.(who is my 3rd cousin) wanted to take me to the hospital where she works and have me placed inpatient in the hospital's psych unit immediately.
I was not placed inpatient because I had made a promise if my grandmother sent my meds by Fed-Ex and took them I would not be placed there.

I stayed at my cousin's home for 2 1/2 weeks. It turned out to be one of the most exciting times of my life. My grandmother also send a check (she didn't know I had over $2500 in my savings account. LOL) so I would have enough money to return and could get hotel rooms on the way back. She did not want me to drive straight through.

While I was in California, my cousin(the R.N.) had a psychiatrist speak to me about my mental stability. I told her everything. I guess I was more open because it was the first female psychiatrist I had ever met. She was the most comforting and understanding one I had as well. She was not pre-judgmental.

As I look back on this experience there is only one thing I really seriously regret. I wished I would have told my mother and grandmother so I would have not scared them to death.

Stigmas of Mental Illness

This is a post that I have been working on for a few weeks. I did my own investigation online and did some research from credible resources. Also, I checked out many forums to get opinions and different ideas of the stigmas and prejudices they may have faced.
This post come from my own wondering thoughts and my own experiences. I wanted to make sure I was not alone in my endeavours as a person.
It is a far cry from many decades back, when a mental illness diagnosis almost ment a terminal stigma that will folow you forever. You were treated differently and almost inhumane.

Definition- Stigma- #1 a mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one's reputation. #2 a mental or physical mark that is characteristic of a defect or disease.

Most mental illness are chemical imbalances in the brain. Those imbalances have been treated successfully in the age of modern medicine. Usually a mental illness is treated by a "treatment plan." A treatment plan can be set up by a doctor or psychiatrist, possibly even a therapist. A treatment plan is a plan to treat your mental illness in the most effective way.



It sounds perfect, right? Not always. It seems like once you get the treatment plan in order things should turn around for the better. Not always.

My own personal experience with treatment plans have been mediocre at best. Some of them worked well, but had to stop treatment either due to financial or insurance issues. Other plans did not work as well. I felt on occassion that people felt that I was looking only for attention. I was not serious from the start. I just got a bad vibe from the psychologists. The idea that I was only making everything up. Not something that is productive in a treatment plan.

I am going to be going back to a psychiatrist that works on sliding scale fees. It is going to be through a local hospitals outpatient program. They are going to try to get my insurance to pay for some of the costs, but my insurance company did not get rich by writing out checks.

I am going to be developing a treatment plan with the mental health program and use it effectively. I am going to use it to be best of my ability.

This was kind of inspired by a post that I wrote a few weeks back about becoming my own advocate. the blog of ljg: Becoming My Own Advocate
I decided to actually practice what I preached on my blog and do what I wrote. I did reasearch on what I could do without having an insurance plan that would not pay a huge amount towards my care. I discovered that I could apply for free services or sliding scale services that I actually qualified for through charity care programs. I am hoping that I find a successful treatment plan through the outpatient program and be involved within my treatment.

The Samaritans/Befrienders

The Samaritans are a charity based in the United Kingdom and Republic of Ireland, which provides awareness for people that are in crisis at risk for suicide.
They are primarily based in the UK and Ireland, with resources such as a telephone helpline. For the world outside of the UK and Ireland, befrienders.org is also a great online resources for help and crisis intervention numbers.
Since 1994 the charity has provided support for people worldwide in crisis by e-mail, but do not give advise and do not consider themselves a counseling service. They are a "listening needs" for those who just simply need to express their frustrations and what their crisis may be.
They have a code of confidentiality except in rare cases where other types of intervention may be needed.
Due to the rise and use of the internet, their work has extended beyond the UK and now are found in over 400 countries worldwide providing awareness for those that may be in crisis.
Personally, I have used the e-mail service they provide and usually try to respond within 24 hours. They provided a wonderful, confidential service when I was in need.

"A society in which: fewer people die by suicide; people are able to explore their feelings; people are able to acknowledge and respect the feelings of others."

What I Have Been Reading Online.

Recently, I have been reading and researching about bipolar disorder. This is a disorder that I have been diagnosed with for the past 7 years.
It is usually a genetic disorder, which is the case with me.
It is something that can be treated with therapy and medication, although some choose not to do it this way.



The site is called bipolar.com, and the specific link to what I have been reading is here.
Some of these people that are mentioned are very inspiring and can be a resource.

Links at the Side of my Blog

There is a first set of links on the right side of my blog above the Save Our Blogs icon. I have reserved those section of links specifically for mental health related issues.
I do plan on adding more links in the weeks to come. If anyone has any links or info they would like to recommend to me, please post it here in the comments.

DBSA alliance
NAMI
Real Mental Health
bipolar.com

The Self Injury Bill of Rights

WARNING-The following content may be offensive and sensitive to some.

This is something that may sound drastic and manipulative, but for some with a severe mental illness, this is their only way to cope. It is often a last ditch effort before committing suicide.

1) The right to caring, humane medical treatment;

Self injurers should receive the same level and quality of care that a person with an identical but accidental injury would receive. Procedures should be done gently as they would for others. If stitches are required, local anesthesia should be used. Treatment of accidental injury and self-inflicted injury should be identical.

2)The right to participate fully in decisions about emergency psychiatric treatment (so long as no one's life is in immediate danger);

When a person presents at the emergency room with a self-inflicted injury, his or her opinion about the need for a psychological assessment should be considered. If the person is not in obvious distress and is not suicidal, he or she should not be subjected to an arduous psych evaluation. Doctors should be trained to assess suicidally/homicidal and should realize that although referral for outpatient follow-up may be advisable, hospitalization for self-injurious behavior is rarely warranted.

3) The right to body privacy;

Visual examinations to determine the extent of injury should be performed only when absolutely necessary and done in a way that maintains the patients dignity. Many who SI have been abused; the humiliation of strip-search is likely to increase the amount and intensity of future self-injury while making the person subject to the searches look for better ways to hide the marks.

4) The right to have the feelings behind the SI validated;

Self-injury doesn't occur in a vacuum. The person who self-injures usually does so in response to distressing feelings, and those feelings should be recognized and validated. Although the care provider might not understand why a particular situation is extremely is upsetting, she or he can at least understand that it *is* distressing and respect the self-injurer's right to be upset about it.

5) The right to disclose to whom they choose only what they choose;

No care provider should disclose to others that injuries are self-inflicted without obtaining the permission of the person involved. Exceptions can be made in the case of a team-based hospital treatment or other medical care providers when the information that the injuries were self-inflicted is essential knowledge for proper medical care. Gossiping about any patient is unprofessional.

6) The right to choose what coping mechanisms they will use;

No person should be forced to choose between self-injury and treatment. Outpatient therapists should never demand that clients sign a no-harm contract; instead, client and provider should develop a plan for dealing with self-injurious impulses and acts during the treatment. No client should feel like they must lie about SI or be kicked out of outpatient therapy. Exceptions to this may be made in hospital or ER treatment, when a contract may be required by hospital legal policies.

7) The right to have care providers who are not afraid of SI;

Those who work with clients who self-injure should keep their own personal fear, revulsion, anger, anxiety, etc. out of the therapeutic setting. This crucial for basic medical care of self-inflicted wounds but holds for therapists as well. A person who is struggling with self-injury has enough baggage without taking on the prejudices and biases of their care providers.

8) The right to have the role of SI has played as a coping mechanism validated;

No one should be shamed, admonished or chastised for having self-injured. Self-injury works as a coping mechanism, sometimes for people who have no other way to cope. They may use SI as a last-ditch effort to avoid suicide. The self-injurer should be taught to honor positive the positive things that self-injury has done for them, while recognizing that the negatives of SI far outweigh those positives and that it is possible to learn methods of coping that aren't as destructive and life-interfering.

9) The right not to be automatically considered a dangerous person simply because of self-inflicted injury;

No one should be put in restraints or lockedin a treatment room in an emergency room soley because his or her injuries are self-inflicted. No one should involuntarily committed because of SI; physicians should make the decision to commit based on presence of psychosis, suicidiality, or homicidiality.

10) The right to have self-injury regarded as an attempt to communicate, not manipulate.

Most people who hurt themsleves are trying to express things they can say in no other way. Although sometimes these attempts to communicate seem manipulative, treating them as manipulative only makes the situation worse. Providers should respect the communicative function of SI and assume it is not manipulative behavior until there is clear evidence to the contrary.

I know there are alot of people with a mental illness that do self injure to a point where medical attention is required. I know first hand the stereotype and the judgments from others when self-injury is applied as a coping tool.
I found this info at realmentalhealth.com. I posted this because of the relevance of this topic and the topic of mental illness.
There are alot of moral, emotional, psychological, and physical issues when dealing with the matter. Especially for the family of a self injurer. Sometimes family members have moral obligations to see their loved one will not injure themselves. Other times it is used as a curtain to ignore the family member and to isolate the person doing the self injury.
I recommend anyone that is self injuring themselves to seek counseling. If insurance is an issue, there are always hospitals that can place you with crisis intervention.
I feel that self injury is a huge sign an intervention needs to take place.

Does Health Insurance Ever Create a Sense of False Security?

Please don't let me be the one to ask this, does your health insurance give you a false sense of security?

Mine does.

The reason being I always have to cross my fingers and hope that my insurance will cover a doctors visit.

It has been several months since I have seen a doctor and have been avoiding the doctor because I don't want surprises. The last "surprise" left me with $125 that I owed my doctor.
The $125 I owed the doctor has since been paid, but it leaves this question, why should I pay $50 a month for an insurance policy. Especially one that fails to deliver on its promises.
From doing various research, I have learned if your insurance has failed to pay for your bill, you are ultimately responsible for it.
It is happened before, I just simply pay the bill and life moves on.

Becoming My Own Advocate

Recently, I decided to cease all of my medicines for bipolar disorder. The primary reason being is my insurance will not cover very many of them.
Mental illness is a legitimate illness, just like any other chronic illness. I have been struggling with Bipolar disorder since I was diagnosed in 2000. Even longer of you count the time before I was diagnosed.
I have decided I would have to become my own advocate if I were to decide to return to medication. I realize that I must come up with the resources for help. Yeah, there are government programs as well as private charity programs. Many people rely on government programs to find themselves in the cold after they realize the bureaucratic nightmare they face to continue their treatment.
There are many negative backlashes for people who do not know or not familiar with bipolar disorder. They may have heard of it, but refer to it as a "crazy person's disease."
This is another way I must become my own advocate. To try to educate those who would like to learn more to the best of my ability. The Internet is full of resources, but someone with the illness can translate and interpretate, to be more precise in describing what people can accomplish with a mental illness.
Many people with a mental illness have become productive members of society.

Out of Control

Recently, I feel my life is totally out of control. I feel I have no control over it. I have had severe mood swings that have affected every aspect of my life. I have trouble concentrating on daily tasks. This why I have not been posting as much. I usually start on a post and lose interest, save it and never post it.
My mind has been a wondering and travelling maze on wonderful, horrifying, and delusional thoughts.
Sometimes it comes to mind, that someone is intentionally doing this to me, but them come to realize that I am mostly doing it to myself.
My family and my wife's family, especially in my wife family, wonder if I am stable enough to continue on. Sometime I ask that question myself, but I continue and move on.
It has become to a point with my family, is they have their own issues and have heard all of mine over and over again
Some of what I have been sharing with my wife, usually gets passed on to her family, which in return becomes a great concern. I guess I make up my own conspiracy theories of how medication and how the mental health industry work. Sometimes I don't feel it is true, but other times I often wonder if my mind of fertile irrational thoughts warrant more investigation.
It is just beginning to a point where I am slamming my head into the wall over and over again.

No Blogging for a Few Days

I haven't got around to blogging for a few days because I have been sick or busy at work.

I have been busy at work because a few things have changed in my job description and now involves other frustrating and confusing things. To make it short, it is a basic requirement to do my job with one hand tied behind my back. It is enough to make me want to tear and rip my own hair out. It has been effecting my mental health as well.
In the next week, I will start blogging on a regular basis.

Personal Reflection

This post has much to do on why I walked out on conventional treatment. I know this is a huge step and may have serious consequences, but it is a risk I will be required to take.
I suffer from Bipolar Disorder and for those that are not familiar with what it is you may click here to find exactly what it is.
After having much heated discussion with my doctor and speaking to several organizations about the problems I have had with the treatment options, I decided it would be best to find alternative treatment options. It has been nothing short of a war with my insurance company and my doctors on which type of treatment and medication would be covered with my insurance. My insurance is very strict on what type of therapies can be sought and which medications will be paid for by the insurance. It seems like the forumulary changes on a weekly basis.
I was on medication, Depakote and Celexa, which eventually the insurance stopped covering the depakote. My insurance would cover lithium, but I have had not had much success with it in the past. I gave lithium another shot, but eventually the insurance stopped covering the lithium. Then they decided to stop covering the Celexa. My insurance company highly recommended suggestion Prozac to my doctor and I had advised them that it has triggered migraines in the past. They kept stressing the Prozac over and over and I got so frustrated that I decided just to hang up.
Eventually, I had a heated argument with my doctor over the medications and my treatment options. Apparently my insurance refused to pay for a doctors visit from a few months ago and it seemed the doctor was only focused on the past balance I owed. I wanted to make payment arrgements with the Doctor, but since it was way overdue and I never knew about it until that day, the doctor wanted payment in full. I did not have $115 to give my doctor that day. If I were still a single man, it would be no problem to come up with that much money, but I have a family to support now.
I know there are probably other options. Wal-Mart and a few other drug stores have started a program with drastically reduced generic medications, but the medicines that are on the list include very very few medications for mental illness, which are mostly anti-depressants. Only a small amount are covered.
I am still weighing options of what to do next, but I am probably going to give alternative treatments another look.
I am not one for giving up easily, but you will never win against mammoth corporations and insurance companies. It is like putting you hand on a hot stove burner, every time you touch it you will get burned.