Thanksgiving Wishes

My Bass Guitar

This is a Fender 5 string Jazz Bass aka J-Bass

This is why I haven't been blogging for awhile. I have been playing with my band from high school that I had temporarily reunified for a few months over the summer. Although it wasn't the same spirit and aura that was felt during my high school years, it did bring back a ton of memories.

Although we are no longer playing as a band, the memories of our misfourtunes, defeats, hardships, and disagreements will remain fresh in my memory. There were also alot of good times traveling in a 1981 GMC Vandura with a band playing a variety of 1990's alternative covers and some of our own music.

Those days are long and gone. Now with a family, a mortage, and other micellaneous bills, it is no longer a feasible option to just travel about the east coast of the United States, primarily the Mid-Atlantic states, showing off our talents in civic centers, festivals, music festivals, and even bars.

Back in the late spring/early summer and while drinking a few beers my former bandmates and I came up with the idea of reunifying the band. One thing lead to another and eventually we were scheduling gigs. We did this until September.

I will talk more about the adventures of the reunification on an upcoming post that I am drafting. The post will include more of the hardship and the great times that we're encountered.

Veterans Day 2007

Remembering those who served

Name Change

I decided once again to change the name of my blog. I have decided to make this blog a more Libertarian leaning blog. I am not a registered Libertarian, but I do agree with their small government and many other platforms of the Libertarian party.
I do not endorse any candidiate from any party as well. This is just my explanation of my opinions on these topics.

Yes, I am getting back into blogging

Yes I am getting back into blogging very soon. I am fully recovered and obtaining plus gathering new information to blog about.

........More Coming Soon

I have not forgot about my blog, but rather I took a hiatus from blogging. There is more to come, possibly another name change for my blog.

Mania's Terror

Today I am posting about an adventure that took place back in the early summer of 2000.
Today I look back at this time with a smile, although at the time it caused my family (namely, mother and grandmother) alot a grief.
This is a prime example of how a mental illness can effect family.

Back in 2000 after a heated argument with my mother because I was intentionally missing doctor's appointments and did not really want to seek any type of mental health treatment. I didn't care about the therapists or anything. I didn't even want to be on medication, so I stopped taking it.
My mother knew I was clearly manic, because I have been sleeping less than four hours a night and was always on the go. I also was an egomaniac at the time, in short a total prick.
Out of a my clouded judgement and out of impulse I decided I was going to visit my cousin in California. I guess I was very pissed off at everyone.
I never told anyone about my plans to go to California. I only planned for the trip less than six hours before leaving.
I woke up the following morning around 2:30am, pack up clothes and a few other belongings, and hopped into my 1989 Chevrolet Cavalier.
I had directions that I'd printed from mapquest.com. I had check the oil in my car, although I did change the oil in the car three days prior to my trip.
I hit the open road. California or bust. The trip was very uneventful. Only had a few traffic jams in major cities like Cleveland, Chicago, and Denver.

After about forty-two hours and change I was at my destination. I did not stop except to fuel my vehicle. This is disgusting, but I used a bottle to urinate in so I would not have to stop. I did not sleep the entire time.

When I arrived, it was quite a surprise visit, but more than welcomed. My cousin greeted me with a huge hug and asked me what I was doing there. She had also said it was a great and unexpected surpise, but I was welcomed there anytime.

My cousin unknowingly called my mother(which also her cousin) and my mother was quite distraught because she didn't know where I was.

I explained everything to her and what happened.
My grandmother(this is her niece) was on the verge of another heart attack because I basically worried her to death.

After it was all said and done my mom and grandmother breathed a huge sigh of relief. They knew I was safe and was in a safe place where I would not harm myself or someone else.
My cousin's daughter is a R.N.(who is my 3rd cousin) wanted to take me to the hospital where she works and have me placed inpatient in the hospital's psych unit immediately.
I was not placed inpatient because I had made a promise if my grandmother sent my meds by Fed-Ex and took them I would not be placed there.

I stayed at my cousin's home for 2 1/2 weeks. It turned out to be one of the most exciting times of my life. My grandmother also send a check (she didn't know I had over $2500 in my savings account. LOL) so I would have enough money to return and could get hotel rooms on the way back. She did not want me to drive straight through.

While I was in California, my cousin(the R.N.) had a psychiatrist speak to me about my mental stability. I told her everything. I guess I was more open because it was the first female psychiatrist I had ever met. She was the most comforting and understanding one I had as well. She was not pre-judgmental.

As I look back on this experience there is only one thing I really seriously regret. I wished I would have told my mother and grandmother so I would have not scared them to death.

What I Have Been Reading Online.

Recently, I have been reading and researching about bipolar disorder. This is a disorder that I have been diagnosed with for the past 7 years.
It is usually a genetic disorder, which is the case with me.
It is something that can be treated with therapy and medication, although some choose not to do it this way.



The site is called bipolar.com, and the specific link to what I have been reading is here.
Some of these people that are mentioned are very inspiring and can be a resource.

Winter Has Returned

As predicted last week when I posted how nice of a day it was, old man winter has returned.
About 3-6 inches of new snow fell on Thursday Night in most part of the Commonwealth.
Once again, it will become a muddy mess when temperatures rise above 50 degrees later on this week.

Spring is Coming

Today(March 14, 2007, the date of this post) the temperature was up to 73 degrees Fahrenheit. It was a pretty nice day in the Susquehanna Valley and Central Pennsylvania today.
Too bad the weather will not remain like this. Saturday and Sunday the highs are only going to be around 42 degrees Fahrenheit.
I will be posting more later on next week. I will not be posting anymore until Sunday or Monday.

A Body Full of Infections

On Friday, March 9, 2007, I had a scheduled appointment with my PCP to check on the status of my qualifying for a patient assistance programs.
Although I did not find out anything on my patient assistance programs, I did go to the doctor's office feeling a little under the weather.
The nurse noticed I was having sinus problems, by the sound of my voice. My blood pressure was normal as well as my temperature.
The nurse left the room and about fifteen minutes later the doctor arrived in the room. He examined my sinuses and my throat. He examined my ears as well. The doctor noticed I had a slight ear infection. He also noticed my sinuses and throat were moderatly infected as well.
Because of my history of Urinary Tract Infections, the doctor had me do a urine sample as well.
It turned out I have a Urinary Tract Infection, which would be the sixth infection in two years. I had tests done for this in the past and nothing wrong was to be found.
I am now taking Amoxicillin 500mg three times daily for ten days.
If all goes well the infections should be gone. That is why I named this post a body full of infections.

Never Again, Is What You Swore, The Time Before

The picture above is the British band Depeche Mode. I remember listening to this group in my pre-teen years as they were my favorite at one time. They were very popular in the 1980's and a small part of the early 1990's.
Depeche Mode had a few popular songs such as People are People, Enjoy the Silence, Personal Jesus, and my favorite Policy of Truth.

You had something to hide
Should have hidden it, shouldn't you
Now you're not satisfied
With what you're being put through
It's just time to pay the price
For not listening to advice
And deciding in your youth
On the policy of truth
Things could be so different now
It used to be so civilised
You will always wonder how
It could have been if you'd only lied
It's too late to change events
It's time to face the consequence
For delivering the proof
In the policy of truth

Never again
Is what you swore
The time before
Never again
Is what you swore
The time before

Now you're standing there tongue tied
You'd better learn your lesson well
Hide what you have to hide
And tell what you have to tell
You'll see your problems multiplied
If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue
The policy of truth

Never again...

Does Health Insurance Ever Create a Sense of False Security?

Please don't let me be the one to ask this, does your health insurance give you a false sense of security?

Mine does.

The reason being I always have to cross my fingers and hope that my insurance will cover a doctors visit.

It has been several months since I have seen a doctor and have been avoiding the doctor because I don't want surprises. The last "surprise" left me with $125 that I owed my doctor.
The $125 I owed the doctor has since been paid, but it leaves this question, why should I pay $50 a month for an insurance policy. Especially one that fails to deliver on its promises.
From doing various research, I have learned if your insurance has failed to pay for your bill, you are ultimately responsible for it.
It is happened before, I just simply pay the bill and life moves on.

This is my 100th post

This post celebrates my one-hundreth post. I never thought of this as a milestone until a few weeks ago my number of posts were in the 90's.
The unique thing about a blog is you're not 100% completed. It is a project that never ends.
Another unique quality of a blog, although templates may be the same, they can be indivualized to a persons like. In reality no two blog are 100% alike.
The age of the internet is a wonderful thing, although it may be humankind's demise to an extent.
I have completed all major renovations, although I didn't do what I didn't finish all that I wanted to do.
I want to thank everyone who has stopped by and commented or even just browsed though my nonsense and sometimes boring posts.

Learning From Mistakes (Sometimes Learning From Others' Mistakes)

This post reflects back to something I was told by a department manager when I employed by a grocery store back in the late 1990's. The grocery store was my job from my senior year in high school until two years after I graduated high school.
You always hear the stories of "getting a good education" in your school years. This is such a story, but has been lived in real life.
I was employed by a grocery store and for a short time a manager had been transferred to the store I was working at.
He was not my "reporting supervisor," but I did speak with the man quite a bit on many occasions. He had been employed by the company for nearly forty years. He had raised a family while working for the company.
Mike will be the name I will use to refer to him beyond this point, instead of calling him "the manager."
Mike had started his career with the company about forty years prior to from the point where I had met him. Mike was a very articulate, very outgoing, and somewhat eccentric. He was such a wonderful personality, I am unsure if I ever heard him raise his voice to anyone.
Mike had started with the company while he was in college. I am unsure what he majored in, but he had a great education, and could have excelled in his selected field. I know for sure he did not go to college to become a manager of a grocery store.
He was a man in his early twenties at the time and he started with the company with in intention of leaving once he graduated college. Mike had told me throughout his short tenure at the store I worked at that I needed to do something with my life. He stressed the need of a college education, but was very strong in his opinion not to make the same mistakes that he had made.
He had kept saying to himself over the years, that he was going to leave the company and find a job in the field in which he had studied. He never did.
When Mike first started with the company he was a "stock boy", where he stocked shelves, eventually going to the dairy department, before settling as a produce manager.
Mike had drifted from store to store, and on a few occasions, uprooting his family and relocating to other areas.
By the time I was hired by the company, Mike was not working at the store where I was working. He came along about a year after I was hired. The first day I seen Mike, I basically thought he was just an old man who may have possibly dropped out of high school and was basically stuck for he rest of his life at the grocery company.
I had later learned Mike had a four-year degree from a very highly respected and very famous school. I had the opportunity to start a conversation with Mike one day and I never realized how much the first conversation with him would change dramatically how my outlook on life would be.
He had told me how long he was with the company and his stories of when he was earning his college degree. Now after nearly forty years he was in the process of retiring from the company.
Mike always had a good story to tell about the company, whether it was busting a customer for shoplifting or hearing the latest scandals from department managers and employees.

Mike had said to me one day while passing by me "You know something, Levi?"
I replied "What's that?"
"Please don't make the same mistake I did. I worked for this company for many years and although I was promoted several times, this was only suppost to be a job until I got out of college."
Mike had sent his children to college as well and hoped that they did not make a huge mistake, like he did.
"I stayed with this company for too many years." Mike said. "I was here for nearly forty years and now that I am approaching retirement I have a huge regret."
"What's that?" I replied.
"I never pursued what I had went to college for, because it was a huge passion for me, but I failed myself by not pursuing it."

I will never forget that conversation. It was a very short one, however it had forver changed on how I perceive things. It has effected every aspect of my life and how I think about everything.
Before I started with the company that I worked for now, that same conversation popped into my mind again. "Is this somewhere I want to retire from?"
I actually ask myself that question everyday I go to work.
I haven't seen Mike for several years now. About three months after the conversation above, he had transferred to another store.
I had learned he since retired from the company, but his whereabouts or what he is doing in retirement are unknown to me. I can honestly say I never met anyone like him since.
By posting this I am not trying to inspire anyone. If I thought the same thing, it probably would have depressed me. Mike never seemed depressed, but rather disappointed. I believe he had accepted the fact he could not change what he did when he was a younger man.
If that were me, I know the disappointment would turn to depression. That is what made him stronger than me.

Looking California and Feeling Minnesota

Yesterday as part of my blog reconstruction, I decided to add audio to my blog. Bestaudiocodes.com was the sight where I found the code to the song.

The song is Soundgarden's Outshined, from their 1991 album Badmotorfinger. This was the album that launched Soundgarden into the mainstream.
I really have no explaination for the reason I added this particular song. The best explaination I have is lyrically, personally I can relate in some way to the lyrics.

I got up feeling so down
I got off being sold out
I've kept the movie rolling
But the story's getting old now
I just looked in the mirror
Things aren't looking so good
I'm looking California
And feeling Minnesota
So now you know, who gets mystified
Show me the power child
I'd like to say
That I'm down on my knees today
It gives me the butterflies
Gives me away
Till I'm up on my feet again
I'm feeling outshined
Someone let the dogs out
They'll show you where the truth is
The grass is always greener
Where the dogs are shedding
I'm feeling that I'm sober
Even though I'm drinking
I can't get any lower
Still I feel I'm sinking
So now you know who gets mystified
Show me the power child
I'd like to say
That I'm down on my knees today
It gives me the butterflies
Gives me away
Till I'm up on my feet again
I'm feeling outshined

Becoming My Own Advocate

Recently, I decided to cease all of my medicines for bipolar disorder. The primary reason being is my insurance will not cover very many of them.
Mental illness is a legitimate illness, just like any other chronic illness. I have been struggling with Bipolar disorder since I was diagnosed in 2000. Even longer of you count the time before I was diagnosed.
I have decided I would have to become my own advocate if I were to decide to return to medication. I realize that I must come up with the resources for help. Yeah, there are government programs as well as private charity programs. Many people rely on government programs to find themselves in the cold after they realize the bureaucratic nightmare they face to continue their treatment.
There are many negative backlashes for people who do not know or not familiar with bipolar disorder. They may have heard of it, but refer to it as a "crazy person's disease."
This is another way I must become my own advocate. To try to educate those who would like to learn more to the best of my ability. The Internet is full of resources, but someone with the illness can translate and interpretate, to be more precise in describing what people can accomplish with a mental illness.
Many people with a mental illness have become productive members of society.

Working on New Ideas

A few days ago I decided to upgrade to the "new blogger" with new features. I was skeptical of the new blogger. I had heard of several horror stories, which made me wonder if I should update or not.



It scared me. I thought that I may lose my blog like several other that I know that did.
In the end it worked out. I really like the new feature the new blooger has. I like being able to choose the color of my text and the type of font I choose.

Out of Control

Recently, I feel my life is totally out of control. I feel I have no control over it. I have had severe mood swings that have affected every aspect of my life. I have trouble concentrating on daily tasks. This why I have not been posting as much. I usually start on a post and lose interest, save it and never post it.
My mind has been a wondering and travelling maze on wonderful, horrifying, and delusional thoughts.
Sometimes it comes to mind, that someone is intentionally doing this to me, but them come to realize that I am mostly doing it to myself.
My family and my wife's family, especially in my wife family, wonder if I am stable enough to continue on. Sometime I ask that question myself, but I continue and move on.
It has become to a point with my family, is they have their own issues and have heard all of mine over and over again
Some of what I have been sharing with my wife, usually gets passed on to her family, which in return becomes a great concern. I guess I make up my own conspiracy theories of how medication and how the mental health industry work. Sometimes I don't feel it is true, but other times I often wonder if my mind of fertile irrational thoughts warrant more investigation.
It is just beginning to a point where I am slamming my head into the wall over and over again.

No Blogging for a Few Days

I haven't got around to blogging for a few days because I have been sick or busy at work.

I have been busy at work because a few things have changed in my job description and now involves other frustrating and confusing things. To make it short, it is a basic requirement to do my job with one hand tied behind my back. It is enough to make me want to tear and rip my own hair out. It has been effecting my mental health as well.
In the next week, I will start blogging on a regular basis.